Author: Roving Mick

For many years people used to associate public conveniences as meeting places for celebrities.  This follows high profile cases of famous people such as Knight of the Realm, Sir John Gielgud, Steptoe and Son actor, Wilfred Brambell and singer George Michael, all falling foul of something which sounded like ‘Cottage Gin’.

Due to rapid growth and development of widespread internet usage, this use of public conveniences for people meeting each other has declined.  But when one community moves out of one area, another always comes along to replace it.  In the case of public conveniences, a new community has come along to meet with each other.  In Blackburn they are its town centre winos.

With lockdown coming to an end in Blackburn, a bit of assistance may be required to encourage a return to town centre socialising and boost our battered hospitality sector.  One suggestion has been made to allow winos to return to the town centre.  Perhaps this will give authenticity and bring back memories for some people of those good old days of how our town centre used to be.  It might also encourage a few punters to come out for a pint or two in our town centre’s newly opened pubs.

What people don’t realise is winos in Blackburn never actually went away from our town centre in the first place.  For them, internet access was never an option, especially with the shakes.  Bottle signs may have appeared on our town centre’s boundary, saying street drinking was prohibited, but this was no deterrent to Blackburn’s brazen and resourceful wino community.  But a strange phenomenon has been happening since street drinking was banned in our town centre.

Blackburn’s real winos claim they are being forced from the town centre by bogus winos.  They claim these imposters are trying to ‘Gentrify’ Blackburn town centre.  Their tactics are to create high-rent property and close down pubs and clubs so they can be sold on as further high-rent real estate.  These bogus winos have also tried to invent scurrilous stories about real winos behaviour in public conveniences.  One of these is about them using these toilets for ‘Cottaging’.

One wino was asked if he was worried about being accused of gross indecency if arrested in a public toilet.  He said:  “Try drinking this stuff. It’s gross indecency in a bottle”.

Another wino explained:  “Take it from me, when you’ve just dropped three litres of Frosty Lightning, all you want is them bogs to serve the purpose they were built for”. Blackburn’s real winos say they will not be intimidated by imposters.  They claim to be one of this town’s oldest established communities and will help keep up any fight against gentrification of Blackburn town centre.  Besides, they are unlikely to be busted in these toilets as none of the supermarkets sell Cottage Gin anyway.

Imagine a dystopian world where Corona Virus had ravaged humanity.  Blackburn appeared to have depopulated greatly and old people were never seen in public.

World Government had a plan to control people by taking away their pleasure through banning alcohol and shutting down taverns.  This affected older people more than young ones.  And so they gradually disappeared from society.  Our world became one in which everybody had to stay at home.  People formed into little camps, where they were only able to be preached at by the converted and so society became stagnant.

It was decreed at age 30, citizens needed to be regenerated and this was dressed up as a time of much celebration and happiness.  Sadly, with Planet Earth forever in lockdown, social distancing was still being imposed.  This led to regeneration being carried out on redundant airport carousels.

But there were some younger people who did not agree with what their government was trying to do to them.  They heard tales of these taverns and having a drink together with friends.  Many decided they did not wish to be a part of this New World Order, dominated by  TV and social media.

Some of these dissidents decided they wanted to escape their current situation, to go to this mythical place called ‘Sanctuary’.  A place people of all ages, classes and colours, could sit around together, or stand at a bar, drink beer and engage like adults with people who held similar or different views and opinions to their own.  A plan was hatched by some of these dissidents to make their escape and they became known as ‘Runners’.

Unfortunately, Runners were never seen again once they tried to escape from their imprisonment.  This was down to them being pursued by law enforcement officers known as ‘Sandmen’.  These security operatives had a fearsome reputation.  Their mandate was to take no prisoners.  They said they were always ready to do a runner.  Once runners were caught, they faced bans by these pursuing Sandmen.  After going through on the spot trials, runners were then deleted.

But some runners did make their escape.  Two of them followed an underground trail, a labyrinth of interconnected sewers linked to Blackburn’s River Blakewater.  Their special smartwatches had flashing crystals which turned green as they approached their destination.  This was like a breathalyser of fresh air.

Little did they know a lone Sandman had been on their trail.  But it was his first mission and he wanted to make it his last.  He carefully trailed them along their escape route and followed them into their sanctuary.  This Sandman came bursting through the tavern door, causing near panic to everyone inside.  But he quickly re-assured them he came in peace and wanted to seek sanctuary too.

He shouted:  “I’ve not come to delete you.  I’ve come to join you – for a pint.  At last, I’ve finally found my own sanctuary!”  He was welcomed into this wondrous place and everyone lived happily ever after.  They had found their promised land.

Many years ago, Blackburn was known for body snatching.  This was down to research into Anatomy, which flourished during the 19^th century, using dissection of human bodies.  Due to scientific breakthroughs, there was a growing demand for further experiments being carried out on human corpses.

Most of these cadavers were made up of dead bodies of people who were found in Blackburn.  They were usually unidentified itinerants passing through and nobody knew, or cared, who they were.  But this did not satisfy anywhere near enough demand for corpses.  And so we had a situation were poor people, whose life was worthless, soon found death had its price.  And so along came the body snatchers.

Vast amounts of money could be made from illegal practices.  It usually entailed gangs hiding in cemeteries and pouncing once a burial had taken place.  Some pauper’s body would then be at the mercy of these despicable tomb raiders.  Not only did body snatchers carry out illegal activity, but their trade was fed by people prepared to pay a large bounty for unfortunate victims.  Some of whom may have died in mysterious circumstances!

Rumours started to circulate about graves being disturbed in Blackburn.  This made local police keep their eyes on events during and after burials.  This really was the ‘Graveyard Shift’.  It also made body snatchers more wary of their activities at night.  On at least one occasion they were nearly rumbled.  This led to a few cases were body snatchers, whilst making their escape from police, ended up losing some of their booty.

Decoys were made by one notorious gang of raiders.  They were a collection of human bones put together as complete skeletons.  One served its purpose for them on a particular occasion when they were nearly caught red-handed.  But unfortunately for the authorities, this assemblage of human bones became a bigger distraction than anybody could ever have dared forecast.

When their decoy was found, there just happened to be a doctor accompanying police who took an interest in Anthropology.  His interest was taken by this human skeleton they discovered.  It had a bone structure he had never encountered before.  As a great admirer of Charles Darwin’s works and like many of the great man’s disciples, he was searching for his famous missing link.  This was around the time Neanderthal Man was discovered in Prussia, so excitement was in the air.  Could we have our own Neanderthal Man in Blackburn?

At the time of the body’s discovery, one particular cemetery had been put in a state of lockdown to thwart grave robbers.  So ‘Lockdown Man’ was what our mystery body became known as.  It caused a sensation. Sadly, Blackburn’s famous Lockdown Man was eclipsed by another even more notorious so-called missing link.

In 1912 ‘Piltdown Man’  was announced to the world.  Forty years later, this find proved to be an elaborate hoax.  A combination of a human being and Orangutan consigned this forgery to history’s wastepaper basket.  Unfortunately, they then had a bone to pick with our version too.  Its discoverer was deemed to have lost the plot, meaning Blackburn’s Lockdown Man was soon dead and buried – once again!