Author: Roving Mick

Blackburn Slime Factory Having A Ball

Posted by Roving Mick on February 1, 2019

Blackburn based manufacturer, Zimpli Kids, recently hit the headlines for making a success out of slime.  They proved the slippy slope doesn’t always have to lead to failure.

The story of slime starts in the early 20th Century. That’s when the science of synthetic polymers was starting to be explored and amazing discoveries were being made. In the 1920s, scientists laid the groundwork for today’s polymers. A new molecular model of polymers was made suggesting they were formed in long, twisted, chain-like molecules. These models were confirmed later by two scientists using x-rays to study natural rubber (which is also a polymer). It was after this time that development of synthetic polymer and plastic materials really began to take off.

Various companies and corporations have developed and made polymer-based products, like slime, for many years. Early versions of modelling clay using polymers were sold.  In 1943, James Wright, was attempting to create a synthetic rubber polymer to help the US war effort during the second world war. He was unable to achieve certain properties he was looking for and put his creation on the shelf thinking it was a failure. A few years later, a salesman for the Dow Corning Corporation was using this ‘failure’ to entertain friends. One guest was intrigued with it and realized that it had potential as a new toy. After being advertised on the Howdy Doody Show in 1957, Silly Putty® became a national toy phenomenon! In December 1968, it went to the Moon on Apollo 8. During the 1980s and into the 90s, various slime-based toys and were introduced by several manufacturers. The slime used was produced from polyvinyl alcohol (PVA), guar gum, and even milk.

Zimpli Kids operates from Blackburn’s Greenbank Business Park in what is now likely to be affectionately nicknamed the Slime Factory.  It makes its goo from powder, which it exports all around the world.  But unlike some of its overseas competitors, Zimpli Kids manufacturing process does not create an end product which results in poisonous or harmful materials which can be dangerous to children.  Their own website has a page dedicated to their product safety and testing certification.

As the old Northern saying states:  ‘Where there’s Muck, there’s Brass’.  It will be nice if we can say in in our town:  ‘Where there’s Gunge, there’s Gold’.  Thanks to Zimpli Kids, perhaps one day Blackburn could become the Slime capital of Britain.

Blackburn’s Rock Box Helping The Good Times Roll

Posted by Roving Mick on January 1, 2019

Blackburn town centre has another new pub.  Andy and Karen Joss have opened up the Rock Box on King William Street.

Andy’s first foray into the pub trade was nearly a decade ago.  His local, the Lion Hotel on Wensley Road, found itself without a landlord.  No temporary manager was available at that time, so he stepped into the breach and kept his local open until a new licensee was found.  Andy subsequently had spells running the Stop and Rest up Brandy House Brow and the Moorgate Arms on Livesey Branch Road.

This micro pub used to be cocktail bar, Tiki Monkey, conveniently located straight across from our old town hall and next door to the Drummer’s Arms.  It is a cosy setting with dimmed light and intimate without being claustrophobic.  This helps create a perfect atmosphere for watching classic rock and blues music on their big screens.  Real ale is also on sale in the Rock Box.  Their opening cask was appropriately Blackburn’s own Three B’s beer and they had two of this local brewery’s ales available when the pub made its debut in early December.  Other local real ales are also regularly on sale.

Andy says he wants to help improve Blackburn’s town centre pub culture.  The Napier has proved there is a demand for rock music in town.  This pub mainly attracts a younger clientele, whereas Andy saw a niche market and his pub focusses on Classic Rock and Blues.  Andy enjoys working in the pub trade and hopes to carry on this for as long as he can.  He would also like to register his appreciation of the help and support he has received from next door neighbours James and Katy Quayle in the Drummer’s Arms and the team from Shh Bar on Northgate.

The Rock Box is another piece in a jigsaw expanding the north side of Blackburn town centre’s pub availability.  Its opening is a very welcome addition to this area, giving even more choice for punters.  Interestingly, apart from Livesey Branch Road, King William Street is now the only road in Blackburn where three seven day a week pubs can be found open. 

Andy and Karen have put a lot of time, effort and their own money into opening the Rock Box.  Let’s hope this good work continues and it leads to even more pubs opening up in our town centre in the future.

Blackburn Rovers’ Last Battlefield

Posted by Roving Mick on December 3, 2018

You’ve got to be taught to be afraid of people whose eyes are oddly made.  And people whose skin is a different shade.  You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear.  You’ve got to be taught from year to year.  It’s got to be drummed in your dear little ear.  You’ve got to be carefully taught.

You’ve got to be taught, before it’s too late.  Before you are six, or seven, or eight.  To hate all the people your relatives hate.  You’ve got to be carefully taught. You’ve got to be carefully taught.         

 

Rogers & Hammerstein  South Pacific

 

Ever since Blackburn Rovers were formed, there has been one never-ending disagreement splitting our fans.  Which side of Rovers’ shirt should be blue and which should be white?

The first known picture of Rovers was taken at their Alexandra Meadows home in 1878. This shows the team in halved shirts, but some of these players have their colours on different sides of their shirts. There has never been anything definitive written down in Rovers’ 143 year history saying which side these colours should be placed on the shirt. This has led to inevitable arguments between our fans over many years.

Meanwhile two Blackburn Rovers fans have spent years pursuing each other through time and space, each one trying to outwit the other with their view over which side of the shirt colours should be placed.  These two fans also paint their faces blue and white in half designs.  One has his blue on the left side and white on the right of his face, the other has his colours in an opposite formation.  Both claim they are right, each of them dismissing their rival as a charlatan and an imposter and not a true fan of our club.

This obsession has led to other fans following suit, turning on each other and questioning their rival’s loyalty and commitment to supporting our club.  There have often been cases of families and friends falling out over this issue, some ultimately taking their ball home with them.  It has even led to couples throwing tantrums and sending their partners to the doghouse.

This issue is such a serious one, it bodes the question of our very identity.  Are Blackburn Rovers the Blue and Whites, or are they the White and Blues?  Perhaps one day peace will break out between our fans.  Now you know why there were never any mirrors in the Ewood Park toilets.  Some Rovers fans would find their reflections very offensive.

Fortunately for our protagonists, there is a mysterious creature which dwells at Ewood Park, some kind of goat, which diverts attention away from petty infighting.  Over the years it has taken various forms and many names.  Its latest is Ben.  At least he can rest assured, knowing he has helped bring about a temporary truce between those who would still be battling over where the colours should be placed on the Rovers shirt.

Don’t let us get started on what shade of blue it should be!

Blackburn’s Saigon Buffet Leaves Us Hanoied

Posted by Roving Mick on November 1, 2018

One of  Blackburn town centre’s most popular pubs was the Borough on Exchange Street, beside the old town hall.  It was often frequented by councillors and even had its own scaly reptile – an iguana.

This pub was known for having the smartest toilets in our town centre, a bit like walking into the hall of mirrors.  Unfortunately it also had its ups and downs over the years, leading to its inevitable closure.

Meanwhile one of the Vietnamese boat people ended up in Blackburn and saw an opportunity to make some dodgy money.  Ho Chi Kokee (not her real name) turned the pub into a restaurant called Saigon Buffet.  Their slogan in here was:  ‘You love Rovers, now you have chance to eat them’.

In Vietnam they joke about eating anything with four legs, apart from their tables and chairs.  This wasn’t the case in Saigon Buffet.  In here nobody seemed to eat anything as you could never find a soul in the restaurant.  One joke about this place at the time was its staff were former Vietcong guerrillas secretly hiding in tunnels when the restaurant was open.

In reality it was a den of criminality, hosting such activities as human trafficking.  This all came to an end in 2017 when over a dozen police and immigration officers raided the place.  A 43 year old woman was arrested on suspicion of modern slavery offences.

Since then these premises seem to have carried on where they left off and once again, nothing seems to be going on.  This is a big shame because it is a really nice building in a prime location, right in the centre of Blackburn and contrasts differently to this side of our town centre which has made great strides in rejuvenating itself.

We have seen the re-opening of Blackburn’s rock pub, Sir Charles Napier and former Molloy’s, now renamed the Squire pub.  There is the nearby Drummer’s Arms continuing its refreshing impact on our pub scene and we now have another new addition to our nightlife in the recently opened Electric Church on Northgate.

Vietnam was known for being part of the oriental golden triangle.  But perhaps Blackburn town centre could have its own pub golden triangle.  This would be bounded by Sudell Cross, Richmond Terrace, Exchange Street and King William Street.

So it’s One, Two, Three, Four, what are we waiting for?  Yes we give a damn, the Borough’s in Blackburn, not Vietnam.

Arte et Lahore

Posted by Roving Mick on October 1, 2018

Blackburn Rovers owners, the Venky’s, have decided to use their club as a way of promoting peace between India and Pakistan.

These two South Asian nations have been at loggerheads for various reasons over many years since they were formed in the mid-20th century.  Tensions between them still remain to this day.  To make matters worse, both countries possess nuclear weapons.  So any means of improving relations in the subcontinent is very welcome.

Some of the greatest inventions and discoveries have occurred thanks to accidents.  And this is what may have happened in an office in Venky’s Personnel Department in Pune.  A member of staff, with long fingernails, made a typing error whilst writing a memo about some routine issue relating to Blackburn Rovers.  On a computer keyboard, the letter ‘h’ is just above the letter ‘b’.  So while typing Blackburn Rovers’ motto:  Arte Et Labore, our typist inadvertently typed Arte Et Lahore.

This error was pointed out to one of the Venky siblings, but far from being angry about this spelling mistake, they saw it as divine inspiration.  They also saw a good business opportunity for their chicken meals.  Due to religious reasons, India has recently restricted sales of beef products, whereas Pakistan does not encourage consumption of pork.  But both countries encourage the eating of poultry products.  Venky’s is already reaping benefits of this in India and their chicken sales have increased rapidly.  Now they want to target their neighbours across the border in Pakistan.

Lahore is one of Pakistan’s largest cities, capital of Punjab province and located 15 miles from the Indian border.  Over 11 million people live there, making it larger than London.  Football already has a foothold and is very popular, so Rovers playing a match in the city would probably generate a lot of interest.  It would also be a good way of advertising a certain brand of chicken product.

This thought went through the Venky’s minds and plans are now afoot to bring Rovers over to the subcontinent again.  They already have a promo video showing players eating their chicken drumsticks.  Now it can be shown to a wider audience, hopefully receiving less ridicule than when it was released in Britain.

As for their office typist, a certain Colonel Oliver North’s former secretary, Miss Fawn Hall, may want to hire them to help locate those alleged millions of dollars which went into the wrong Swiss bank account due to Miss Hall’s long fingernails hitting some wrong keys.  Hopefully this typist can hit a few extra zeros for Blackburn Rovers.

The Pearl Of Pune

Posted by Roving Mick on September 1, 2018

Blackburn Rovers Indian owners, the Venky’s, are planning lavish celebrations in 2020 for the 10 year anniversary of their acquisition of our football club.

Negotiations are taking place between Venky’s and Blackburn with Darwen Council over plans to relocate Corporation Park’s famous Sliding Stone to Ewood Park.  Once installed, it will be known as the ‘Pearl of Pune’.

This stone originated in Scotland, taking 10,000 years to arrive in Lancashire by glacier.  It was taken from the River Ribble at Samlesbury and has resided in Corporation Park since 1882 – the year Rovers reached their first FA Cup Final.

This idea of using the Sliding Stone came on a rare Venky’s visit to Blackburn.  Rumour has it Mrs. Desai was jogging in Corporation Park.  She was said to be running along the Broad Walk, when one of her bodyguards was waiting for her to catch up and parked himself on the Sliding Stone.  Much to his embarrassment, he promptly slid off and landed on his backside.  In between peals of laughter, Mrs. Desai said she must have this stone.

The stone itself looks like half an egg.  This is what may also have caught the Venky matriarch’s attention.  What more appropriate symbol could our club’s owners choose as a lasting monument to their tenure at Blackburn Rovers?  Plans are now afoot to complete the other half of the egg shape with a blue semi-cylindrical casting made from metal and glass, giving it a Fabergé style appearance.  It would then be put on display outside Ewood Park alongside the statue of Uncle Jack.

Possible opposition to the stone’s removal from Corporation Park may arise, along with arguments of further ‘Venkyfication’.  But Venky’s believe they can appease the people of Blackburn by spending money on more cultural attractions in the town, including street art and sculptures, helping turn Blackburn into a cultural Bhopal.  They have already given a donation to Blackburn Cathedral on a previous visit and may have offered to double-glaze its stained glass windows and concrete the grassy area surrounding this ecclesiastical building.

In donating a blue and white egg to Blackburn Rovers, Venky’s are making a statement which signifies a new beginning, how life is just below the surface and nourishment will be provided to their ‘baby’.  A new appropriate Latin motto, alongside our existing Arte Et Labore will also be associated with the Pearl of Pune.  This will be ‘Ad Quod Operantur Ex Ovo’ (Go to work on an egg).

Sex Doll Factory For Blackburn?

Posted by Roving Mick on August 1, 2018

Blackburn could be selected as the manufacturing base for producing sex dolls, making it become part of the growing adult entertainment industry.

This follows news that some people are prepared to pay more than £10k for one of these prototype models. Now a local surgical appliance factory is trying to win a contract to produce ‘Iris’ the female adult doll.  Her name pays homage to when this town had its own glass eye factory.  This came about due to high numbers of accidents in cotton mills, particularly in Blackburn.  It was founded by a retired teacher.  He found it a way of gaining pupils in more ways than one.

The boss of a local surgical appliance factory said an idea came to him when he walked around his factory store rooms and found loads of spare prosthetic body parts.  This gave him an idea where he could put together these spare parts to create his own prototype adult doll.

Our manager wished to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of this controversial subject and ongoing negotiations with third parties.  But he was prepared to discuss practicalities in some detail.

“It used to embarrass me when I tried to pull a bird and she asked me what I did for a living. Telling her I made false body parts didn’t quite go down as well as saying I was a test pilot or played for Rovers.

“Some of these girls used to ask me if it was just false arms and legs I sold.  They seemed to be more interested in other parts we didn’t sell.  What irritated me most was when they asked me if any of my own body parts were false and did I take my work home with me?

“And so most of my weekends were well named.  They ended up with me going home early and watching telly on my own.  My time was spent dreaming about women rather than sleeping with them.  I might as well have had a doll of my own.  At least I could give my prototype a thoroughly good testing.”

For the record, his only false parts are his teeth.  But all this embarrassment may have proved to be a blessing in disguise for our unnamed manager.

Today’s adult entertainment industry is proving to be very lucrative.  Although meeting precision targets is proving to be a lot harder than ever before.  Demand for female and male doll’s spare parts is also rising all the time, along with the up and coming finished products.

Blackburn To Have Its Own Postel

Posted by Roving Mick on July 1, 2018

Blackburn’s Postal Order pub is turning its top floors into hotel rooms.  This sounds like a really good move.  Here are some of the characters who might be staying there when it opens.

Builders:

There always seems to be building work going on in Blackburn town centre.  These are the people who will really appreciate stopping in the Posty.  They will be there until last orders and first up next morning for their breakfast.  They are amongst the best behaved guests too.  It will be strictly tea or coffee for them, to wash down their gigantic breckies.

Sales Reps:

These are the kind of guests every hotel wants.  Flash cars, sharp suits and expense accounts.  They have deep pockets and are looking for deep cleavage.  The bar staff will have really good stories to tell about some of these characters.

Football Fans:

With Rovers back in the Championship, lots of football fans will be checking into the Posty before, during and after match days.  This means boozing until last orders in this place and then maybe out for a few more elsewhere.  Liquid breckies could be the order of the day next morning.  Let’s hope the only tops which are asked to be removed are from the bottles.

The Lovers:

Many blind dates and extra-curricular liaisons already take place in the Posty.  And with it having brand new bedrooms, nature is bound to take its course.  And like this building’s previous use, so it did for Fred and Doris.  She definitely found something in his sack and a late rising followed.  It wasn’t a cup of coffee for these two next morning.  They had something to celebrate – with British sparkling wine of course.

Left Handed People:

A pioneering experiment to help left-handed people become part of mainstream society is to be tried out in the Postal Order.  Wetherspoons want to reassure customers there is nothing sinister going on and intend to keep things even handed.  Punters may notice new left-handed coin slots on the gaming machines and two handles on the barrel glasses.  Apart from this, everything should be all right.

Rock Bands:

No doubt the Posty management will have been warned about taking in rock bands as guests.  If a television suddenly comes crashing down on Darwen Street, you’ll know they haven’t done their homework.  Those days seem to have long gone, when chemically debauched rock stars like Keith Moon and Keith Richards used to trash their hotel rooms.  Nowadays we have clean living manufactured groups who are tucked up in bed for 10.00pm.

Turning the top floors of the Postal Order into a hotel sounds like a really good idea.  What could be better for business than a captive audience?  This new hotel should give us something to celebrate in Blackburn – as long as it’s not with Champagne!

Thirsty Travellers Invade Blackburn Brewery

Posted by Roving Mick on June 1, 2018

Blackburn town centre brewery, Daniel Thwaites, was invaded by travellers over the Spring Bank holiday weekend.

Several parched itinerants, on their way to Appleby for the annual horse fair, said they were desperate for a pint of Original Bitter.  But they couldn’t find a pub in Blackburn town centre which sold it.

They thought it would be a good idea to start searching for nearby pubs around the brewery itself, so decided to park their caravans, cars and other vehicles on Thwaites’ car park.  Their first choice at looking for a pint was Uncle Tom’s Cabin, for obvious reasons, but they found it wasn’t being used as a pub any more.  Their luck was tried around the other side of the brewery, at the Veteran, but this pub had been closed down too.

Things were starting to get desperate when they next found the Fleece Inn boarded up.  And the last straw, which broke the Shire horse’s back, was finding out Daniel’s was now a training centre.  Out of sheer desperation the travellers decided to invade Star Brewery and try and get in touch with a bloke called Crafty Dan, whose name they liked and they had heard was based somewhere inside.

But it wasn’t to be for these travellers this bank holiday weekend.  Crafty Dan was nowhere to be found and neither were the famous dray horses, who they had also wanted to meet – with their jam jars at the ready.  After all, they were on their way to a horse fair and it wasn’t just the system they wanted to milk.

And so these travellers had to settle for a night in their caravans watching telly, having to settle for cocoa and Horlicks.  They proved they couldn’t manage to organise their own piss-up in this brewery.  These unhappy wanderers were told Thwaites do still have outlets in Blackburn town centre and they could get a pint of Original in the Sun.  But they declined this offer, saying they had heard this pub might be a bit too rough for them.

Thwaites, quite rightly, are angry about what happened to their brewery over the bank holiday weekend.  Taking away people’s jobs and livelihoods is very unfair and drinkers should be given the opportunity to enjoy beer in their local pub.

On the bright side, at least we now know not all of Thwaites’ licenced premises have a restrictive covenant in place.

Venky’s In Campaign Launched

Posted by Roving Mick on May 1, 2018

Blackburn Rovers’ return to English football’s third tier has seen a turnaround in their fortunes and a return to winning ways.  But a strange situation has occurred were some supporters have started not only giving club owners, Venky’s, the benefit of the doubt, but have taken their wave of forgiveness to a new level of cordiality.

There are even reports circulating about a so-called Venky’s appreciation society having already been formed.  Members are currently trying to come up with a name for this group.  Their first choice was Venky’s R Us, but they were worried about the letter R being the wrong way round.  So they are now currently using ‘Venky’s In’ Rovers UK Supporters – or VIRUS – as their new name.

VIRUS say they want to become a united front for all Rovers fans who think Venky’s have been getting bad press and have done a really good job for the club.  They want fellow fans to know Balaji Rao’s initials are the same as Blackburn Rovers and have set up a campaign for Venky family names to be printed on the backs of Rovers shirts.  They also want Blackburn to be twinned with Venky’s home town of Pune in India and the Venky siblings to be made Freemen of the Borough of Blackburn with Darwen.

There have been questions from many Rovers fans asking why Venky’s never attend matches these days?  VIRUS replied that they do attend games on a regular basis, but in disguise.  Sometimes they come dressed as stewards or ground staff and even as police officers.  They also employ body doubles, who leave matches early to divert attention away from the real Venky siblings.

Our owners’ secretive ways have led to their admirers deciding to follow suit, basing their methods on James Bond films and the Man from U.N.C.L.E. TV series.  Due to Venky’s still being unpopular amongst most Rovers fans, the men from VIRUS have decided to keep a low profile too, for the time being.  They have created their own closed membership structure and secret codes for communication.

VIRUS say they intend to hold regular meetings with like-minded supporters and put out propaganda and counter arguments against Blackburn Rovers fans who want a change of club ownership.  VIRUS blame these fans for the removal of Steve Kean, pointing out his success in Borneo after being forced out of his job at Rovers.  There is talk of a future ‘Venky’s In’ demonstration  through the streets of Blackburn and calls for a boycott of rival fried chicken restaurants in the town.