Senior Blackburn Rovers executives have unveiled plans to introduce a new system for recording ticket sales.  The apparatus remains top secret, but is code-named ‘Abacus’. 

This follows severe criticism from Rovers fans over problems with the brand new online ticketing system.  The outcry follows the failure of the new OneRovers website to work when people wanted to buy tickets for the NAC Breda friendly match and Carling Cup game against Grimsby Town.  Now it is hoped some improvement can be made to alleviate the pressure being put upon ticket office staff and increase sales through a faster clearance rate.

The trouble with computers is they are prone to viruses and spotty teenage hackers trying to steal your identity.  Rovers also worry about multiple requests from supporters wanting to sit in different parts of the ground.  This has led to genuine home fans receiving bogus ticket applications sent to them by email from all over the world.

It made the board of directors sit down and say:  ‘Let’s get back to basics’.  They took their inspiration from the ancient Greeks, who invented the word ‘Abacus’, as well as their own version of this counting device,  Other inspiration has come from the futuristic television programme ‘What the Romans did for us’.  Many of the ideas in this programme are still in use today.  We even have our own Aqueduct near the football ground.

The abacus is incredibly accurate.  It was used as the main form of calculation for thousands of years, by many different civilisations.  Even at the time of its introduction, desperate measures were put in place to stop other cultures from discovering its secret.  This proved very successful.  Even as late as 15th century South America and 18th century Australia, the people there still had no knowledge of the abacus.  Neither culture had invented the wheel either.  But this was probably down to just being unlucky – either living in a desert, or the shape of indigenous tree trunks didn’t help scientific calculations.

Hopefully the abacus will be introduced into Rovers ticket offices over the next few months.  They should also prove easy to introduce to staff – very little training is required.  They will also prove a big hit with Health & Safety administrators due to their green aspects.  No radiation will be emitted.  Electric shocks will be a thing of the past.  And the machine has a finite length of service.  Also they do not crash or blow up when you spill your cups of tea on them, or make annoying noises when the fan gets full of dust,

It looks like the Greeks and Romans have come up trumps again.  Who needs computers?